PARIS, FRANCE

April 29, 2023

Everything about Paris was precisely as Alex pictured it: Haussmannian architecture lining hidden alleyways, perfect for falling in love. Contentment-infused bodies sunning themselves in le Champs de Mars. The flashing lights of Le Tour de Eiffel glimmered upon the quiet stream of the Seine. Growing up, miniature Eiffel Tower figurines lined Alex’s dresser. She envied the girl in her class with a Paris-themed room. France’s romanticization fueled tourism, sure, but more than anything, France fueled Alex’s deeply insatiable desire for travel. After a decade of looking out her window, pleading that the Grand Rapids skylines would somehow morph into a Parisian dreamscape in the blink of an eye, Alex arrived in Paris just a few days before she was due in Grenoble, a city situated at the base of the French Alps. 

By the grace of karma, superstitions, or God, Alex was beginning her spring study abroad session in Grenoble, where she’d be studying French and living with a host family. The most authentic experience one could get while learning a foreign language. No, she wouldn’t have the romantic getaways of weekends in Lisbon, Rome, or Madrid, but she’d call Grenoble home. It would become her city. The place she’ll want to bring her children to come visit. The foreign city she’s left most of her footsteps in. Her home base, her international north star.

Studying abroad has been a tauntingly unchecked box on Alex’s bucket list since she started college in 2020, watching the world shut down before her eyes. Three years later, everything she’s ever wanted will come true. Really, she has it all! Twenty going on twenty-one, a European summer ahead of her. Objectifiable long legs and shoulder-length blonde hair. What she’s truly luckiest for, though, is her boyfriend at home, who makes her laugh, tries his best to understand her, and loves her fiercely. 

Jones and Alex met when they were eighteen in their hometown of East Grand Rapids. The cute boy from the pool became her college sweetheart. Her first love. Her first real boyfriend. Although their relationship began tumultuously, she wanted their love to become the love of her life. All Alex needed to do, she thought, was make the choice. And so she did. She’d decided, at eighteen, that her love story came true with Jones. Her very own Daisy and Gatsby, Elizabeth and Darcy, Jane and Rochester. But what happens when the final pages turn, and the story ends? Alex can’t help but wonder, two years into her relationship. 

Too anxious to sleep on the plane ride to Paris, Alex stayed up, plagued by doubts about the longevity potential of her relationship with Jones. Intrusive thoughts regarding everything wrong with their relationship began popping up around six months ago when she realized who it was he expected her to be. Her dream is to move to New York, yet Jones insists she moves to Champaign, Illinois, after she graduates, as he’ll still be finishing his degree for another year. Children aren’t something Alex is sure she’ll ever be ready for, or if that’s even what she wants. But Jones expects her to sacrifice her budding career as a writer to raise children full-time. And no later than 28, at that. Two years into their relationship, she’s starting to wonder if they could truly make each other happy however many years down the line. They couldn’t, she began to realize, not when Alex craved to see the Seven Wonders of the World, and Jones said, “Why would I ever need to leave the United States? I can see a picture of Machu Picchu online.”   

Aside from the glaring discrepancies in their compatibility, the predicament about their relationship that feels particularly haunting to Alex is the fact that Jones loves Alex more than she loves him, inarguably so. He had a strange way of showing it sometimes, but still, he loved her. Being as independent as she is, it was only a matter of time before she began feeling suffocated by all that love; began feeling backed into a corner by the sacrifices he would make for her but she would never make for him; feeling trapped by choosing him and realizing how long “forever” really is. 

But she has it all! Soul-gripping doubts aside, she had it all, and Paris welcomed her in all her glory. Her first day consisted of déjeuner at an evergreen café not far from the Notré-Dame, feeling the sun on her skin at Jardin du Luxembourg, and to be entirely honest, feeling confused and lost. Jet lag was hard, sure, but there was something in the air– an ineffable weight encapsulating her heart, weighing her to the bottom of the Seine. She felt physically far away from her family, her way of life, her familiar routine. Amongst the daydreams, this feeling wasn’t accounted for. The longer she wandered, not having said a word in English to anyone since customs at the airport, the less she sure she felt. 

Nothing was exactly how Alex thought it would be. The Arc de Triomphe stood massively, with delicate stone engravings built to last since the eighteenth century. The Pont d’Iéna, a bridge crossing the Seine just behind the Eiffel Tower and Champs de Mars, looked beautifully down across the river, sunlight catching on the sincere promises left behind by all the lover girls at Love Lock Bridge. Paris was almost more beautiful than her dreams. 

But as the days went on, blisters formed on the edges of her feet, borne from too much walking, subsequently due to too much thinking. Reality began blurring the fuzzy edges of “dreams come true.” Anxiety crept in. The Parisian architecture, lining alleyways perfect for falling in love, was tainted by piles of garbage spurred on by protests waging throughout France. Champs de Mars turned into a dust bowl, all the grass deadened by touristic feet pounding and pounding until nothing but dirt was left. The flashing lights of the Eiffel Tower only lasted five minutes when she thought it was supposed to last a lifetime. If Jones were here, he’d tell her, I told you so. You should’ve just stayed home. 

Author’s Note